If the article about the health benefits of eating Whanwhahs came out in February last year, then I probably started eating them in bulk by May. At first, you see, the prices were very high. Then I guess there was a knock on effect, supermarkets sensed the changing trend and started competing with deals, the high demand resulted in a streamlining of the cultivation process and distribution and the prices started to fall. They were still expensive, but affordable.
So the health benefits that were claimed of Whanwhahs was that they could make you more alert, improve memory and generally give you a ‘get up and go’. And I have to say that at first I felt great. I’d say I felt 10 years younger. Suddenly getting up on a morning wasn’t so difficult. I even started socialising more – me staying up after 11pm with friends! It was a new lease of life. Then just as I was getting into my new bouncy stride I read a second article. After significant scientific research they found that eating a lot of Whanwhahs had the unusual effect of making you want to eat your own faecal matter. All the scientists agreed that eating faecal matter was not good for you, due to all the bacteria that it harbours. To put it in layman’s terms, NOT eating your own shit is actually very sensible.
Until I read this second article, as I said, I’d been feeling great. Then almost as soon as I’d finished reading it I just found it impossible to stop thinking about eating my own stool. There were about 3 days where I was just obsessing about it, I’d wake up in a cold sweat after dreaming I was a really small man – like Gulliver, not in Lilliput but that one where everyone’s really big – crawling up someone’s arsehole. A bit weird, I thought. It never occurred to me that I could stop eating Whanwhahs because I’d felt so good; the second article didn’t include any practical advice.
So I felt I had to try it, you know, eating my shit. But I also had to convince myself every thing was fine, it was just normal. So I went to great lengths at first. I made little shite volovants, bab* sandwiches with the crusts cut off, flux salad and number two canapés. I spent a fortune on cake stands and silverware, new napkins and cutlery. Looking back on it, it was a bit weird. My main concern – because it had been explicit in that second article – was that I’d get really sick.
I looked online to see if anyone else was in my situation. I actually came across an article by the Doctor who wrote the first article. He was eating Whanwhahs and his own waste by the bucket load. The way he had gotten around it was by also eating another unusual legume called fibbles. Fibbles have unusual quantities and varieties of acid in them that can effectively sterilise your waste.
With the article being online and not in the newspaper I didn’t know if I should follow the guidance at first, so I just kept up my Whanwhah routine. I started to get very ill. It seemed like a kind of low point in my life when at one point I started puking up my own excrement and then was compelled to eat it and throw it up again. At times I’d pretend to myself that I was going to flush it away and have done with it. I’d go so far as closing the toilet lid and even said out-loud, “goodbye”, but I just couldn’t. I’d open it back up and just start gobbling it down again. I was like a dyson vacuum cleaner gone apeshit in a sewer.
I may have died if a third article hadn’t been published that showed that the scientific data of the first and second articles were based on some inaccurate readings. All of a sudden I felt 10 years older again and also stopped what it was that was making me poorly – reading those damn articles.
*Yorkshire for ‘shit’.