You have a secret superpower: the ability to appear and disappear at will. When and where will you use this new superpower? Tell us a story.
I’m weary of representations of the world. Adverts that convince you that cars that can drive you out of harms way of a tsunami; chocolates that can make you have an orgasm; incontenance pads that can make you smile.
My biggest bugbear is invisibility. See in the movies, invisibility can be convenient. Like a ring you slip on your finger or an elegant cape you can fold about your person. In real life it’s not like that. It’s more like pushing a wonky supermarket tolley. And see in the movies, well most of the time you’re either invisible or you’re not. There are few examples – like the Cheshire Cat – that I can think of that are like real life, where you don’t become invisible all-at-once.
The first time I went invisible I was at my Gran’s house. My clothes went invisible. My legs went invisible. Everything above my waist went invisible. So, I looked just like a floating crotch. My Grandma freaked out. When I realised she had seen me I had to pretend to be a bird. I flew into the window a couple of times – leaving a greasy mark that looked nothing like a beak – and flew off out of the door. The latter bit was properly unconvincing, the door handle bending down, the door opening, and this fleshy-pig-snout-bird flapping out. “Flapping”, ha! It was horrible. And as I was hiding out on my Gran’s back lawn where she wouldn’t spy my autocratic genitals, I got a massive shock when an actual bird spotted me. Real early bird that one.
Now, I don’t want to get too technical. But scientifically speaking, it was once thought that an invisible object was one that does not effect the passage of light, but that nevertheless has mass. I used to like to say that an invisible thing is a mass event but not a light event. That’s until I found out that even in this respect it is not all black and white. You see, in real life invisibility is something of an event within certain frequencies of light. For whatever reason, lower frequency light gets caught up in an invisible object. Microwaves and radiowaves are an absolute nightmare. I can only really go invisible now when I’m in remote areas. But even there mobile phones can burn me, make me fizzle.
I first became invisible in the 1990s, just before mobile phones started becoming big. I don’t mean that to be a joke about big phones. One of the good things about being invisible, that I forgot to say when I was ranting, is that when you’re invisible you can see all other invisible things. When I was young I was convinced that I saw other beings that we never see in the visible world. I’ve not seen them for over a decade now. And it’s really fucking sad.